It's 11:30 pm. I should be rinsing diapers so I can wash them and doing homework, but I need to write tonight.
Today was Easter Sunday, but I found it very difficult to focus on what today means for me and my faith. I still get angry when I think about DH missing this. I'm upset that the kids are sick and we all had to miss church and fellowship. I'm sad that I'm having such a hard time "locking it up" and dealing with things in an effective way. I'm hurting because I see my kids (most specifically Miss Tornado) missing their daddy. I'm frustrated because I am usually an "A" student and my classes for this term are "C"s. My list of "gripes" is a mile long and seems to grow every day. I drove to the only drive through starbucks I know of on the island today so I could get coffee without infecting people with the kids' cold and we passed by several churches. I saw so many happy families all scrubbed and well-dressed pouring out of churches. I looked down at my shorts that haven't been washed in 4 days (ewww, I know) and my ratty t-shirt and looked in the back of the van and saw my tired and sick children staring out of the windows. I felt a very sharp stab of jealousy. DH wasn't with us. How many times have I taken his presence for granted?
In all this I have been having a tough time leaning on God. I pray A LOT, but I feel like I'm just barely holding on by my fingertips. He brings me through each day, but I end each day feeling like someone has been holding me under water for too long. I crawl into bed and kiss Baby Bird as she lays there completely content in her cosleeper and I fall asleep trying to relax and let God take the night shift.
My very dear friend (who reads this blog, you know who you are <3) has been my crying shoulder through this all. She helps hold me together. We have been friends for five years and have gone through the phases of this life together, I think when we are 80 we'll be racing our wheelchairs. ;-) She reminded me of a verse, Psalm 68:19 "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Wow, what a verse! I have realized (ok, I have to remind myself of it everytime I start feeling anxious lol) that I can't do this and that is the beauty of it. Where I fail as a wife, God picks up the slack. Where I fail as a mother, God picks up the slack. Where I fail as a student, well... my professors mark me down. lol Where I fail as a housekeeper, God picks up the slack and has sent a wonderful housecleaner my way who does an EXCELLENT job!
A friend of mine here brought me a plate of Easter dinner today without me asking! She is such a sweet woman! She is expecting her fourth child but always seems to have room in her heart for others. She has recently gone through all this and has really put forth an effort to help me. She is one of the rare people that doesn't wait for an invitation, she initiates get togethers and loves on people wholeheartedly. I thank God for her presence in my life.
My dh is a wonderful man. I woke up to an email today that he had bought me an ebook for my Nook that he thought I might like. He is a devoted father who loves his family! He has been with me through some very hurtful and difficult times and has weathered so many stormy times in my soul. He really meant it when he vowed "in good times and in bad". He wants me to plan a romatic getaway for when he gets back! We will have to figure out who will watch the children, but I'm so excited about having some alone time with him! I found a resort here who does a "vow renewal" package. I've been wanting to renew our vows, this will be the perfect time. This year marks 5 years as man and wife for us. The time has flown by.
My children are my greatest delight and biggest challenge. Miss Tornado is her usual ball of activity. She has really shown a sensitive heart though. She loves on her little sister and is overly helpful with her little brother (who would rather be left alone). She keeps me going with her bull-headedness and her "wake up mommy! frepfrast!" calls. We are dealing with a lot with her that I'm not going to post about now, but in learning about how to deal with her I have come to see a new side to this wonderful little girl God gave to me 3 1/2 years ago. As her Cubbies teacher told me after a particularly trying evening for her at Cubbies "Miss Tornado is her own person and she will be fine". That woman's understanding of Miss Tornado almost brought me to tears right then and there.
Man-Puppy is finally walking reliably. He is definately my little introvert. I have to tell people, give him space and he will be fine. He is such a little loveable guy with an artistic streak. He loves to sing. His favorite toy right now is his Captain America ball. He is definately all boy. I call him "my little Navy Seal". He may be quiet and introverted, but that kid gets what he wants DONE. If the fastest way off the couch is to throw himself off of it, he will throw himself off of it and land in a perfect roll so he doesn't get hurt. He has no problems climbing to the highest point of the playground and beams a smile down at me like he's climbed Everest. He jumps up in his crib when I go to get him up in the mornings and cuddles me. At night he likes to nurse and listen to the book that DH recorded for him. His night isn't complete with "buh" (book) and "nah nah" (nursing).
Baby Bird is my sweetie. She is a big bundle of love. She even has "knee fat"! After having a "failure to thrive" baby, it is so great to have a child who looks like the michelin man. hehe She started solids this week. She likes avacado and she isn't sure about peas yet. She rolls everywhere and is working on finding out how to produce forward motion. Waking up to her beaming face a couple of times a night and in the morning helps me feel strong. She screams a lot, just for fun. lol Today I noticed that she babbles a lot and is figuring out different syllables. Where has the time gone?! My pudgy newborn is now a pudgy baby! We are on break neck speed to the toddler phase! ach! Usually the first comment people make about her is "she's so preeetttyyy!!!". She has a way of looking at people that just cuts through them. She is very discerning already. She is my sweet baby bird who has her two older siblings wrapped around her little finger. Miss Tornado and Man-Puppy would do anything for her already. Kisses, hugs and sibling love are major parts of her day. Man-Puppy has started calling her "siss" and Miss Tornado says a lisped form of her real name.
As I look back on all my blessings, I feel better and more at peace. Sometimes it is difficult to see the forest for the trees. Once I look at the big picture I see how blessed I really am.
